The 7 Deadly Sins of Commuting

The daily commute is hardly the highlight of london life. No matter how smoothly things go, it's unlikely to be pleasant. No matter how hard you try, you're bound to add slightly to someone else's inconvenience. Much as I dislike having my face pressed into a stranger's armpit, I cannot really resent them for it when they have little choice in an alternative pit location.

But there will always be a subset of people who seem to feel that the inherent unpleasantness absolves them of any responsibility for trying not to make it worse. Or they're just inconsiderate arseholes, but I'm trying to stay positive. If we each drew up a list of the worst things our fellow-commuters inflict on us, I'm sure we'd come up with slightly different infractions. So I'm not asking you. Here are my 7 deadly commuting sins.


Broadcasting
Even if your music were good I probably wouldn't want to hear it. And it isn't.

Door-blocking
"Please allow passengers to exit the train before boarding" does not simply require you to stay off the train. You actually need to leave some sort of passageway sufficient to constitute a means of egress for a normal sized adult. And yes, 'you' - not 'some of those other people nearby'.

Seat-wasting
You don't have to sit down just because there's an empty seat. But if said seat is directly next to you, and you don't take it, nor can anyone else. Sit. Offer it around. Shift aside to let someone else get to it. I don't care. But when you just stand there, your fellow passengers are not thinking "what selflessness, passing up a seat in case someone has greater need". They are thinking "if you'd sit the fuck down already it might free up enough space for me to stand almost vertical".

Drapery
When sitting isn't an option, I like to lean against an upright support as much as the next person; wrapping my arm around a pole is the only reliable way to do a crossword while standing on a moving train. If there's no one else around to hold said pole, be my guest. But it's a multi-user handhold. (The woman who wrapped herself right around my support in the brief moment I let go to turn a page - I dedicate this sin to you!)

Left-standing
Everyone knows that you stand on the right and walk on the left. Well, everyone except for that large group of loud tourists at Camden Town last weekend, but that's another rant. Most sinners in this category know the rule, and consider themselves innocent through adherence to its letter. You are, however, just as guilty as the most blatant left-stander if you
- place your bag on the step next to you so that only supermodels fit past
- have a bag on your left shoulder that sticks out and obstructs the thoroughfare
- approach the escalator from the left, with no intention of walking, and then stop dead just before stepping on until someone makes a gap for you on the right

Leave-taking
The fond and protracted farewells you are bidding your beloved or, worse, 6 best friends are a touching sight to behold. The reason you feel that the base of the escalator/platform entrance/only map of the tube line anywhere to be found is a suitable location for this, however, remains unclear.

Baggage
This covers such a multitude of egregious behaviours that lumping them into a single sin is purely a function of needing a neat total of 7.
There are the Wheelie-bag Wielders, who mimic the worst kind of caravan driver by slipping into and through single-space gaps with no thought to how the laws of physics might apply to their trailing accessory. (Oh and, while I've got your attention - directly in front of the carriage doors is not the place to stop and extend your bag handle. Carry it another 50cm off to the side. The exercise might do you good.)
Then there are the Shoulderbag Shovers. The worst culprits are women with large handbags, but men with backpacks can be just as bad. If it's big enough to hold more than a phone and a paperback, put it on the floor at your feet. Or at least hold it in front of you where you might remain aware of its position. Over one shoulder is even worse than on your back. The latter just takes up extra space, while the former swings about in unlikely directions, unheeded by it's wearer, and is at the perfect height for digging into my ribs. And anyway, what the hell are you carrying in there? I've emigrated with less luggage!
Last, we come to the Seat Stealers. Your bag can have its own chair if less than half the seats in the carriage are taken. If new passengers cause this threshold to be exceeded, you must remove it immediately - waiting until it's almost the last unoccupied seat is unacceptable.
I said 'last' because I have to stop somewhere. The number of unacceptable things people can (and do) do with bags and parcels is apparently limitless. Expanding this section is left as an exercise for the reader.

Come on, people. We're crammed together like sardines. For the love of all that is Noodly - how hard is it to remember that other people use the Tube?!